The presence of any of the FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling, are poison to any relationship. John Gottman identifies them in couple's conversation to predict with over 90% accuracy whether a couple will divorce.
1. Criticism:
Attacking one's personality or character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong:
Generalizations: “you always…” “you never…”“you’re the type of person who …” “why
are you so …”
2. Contempt:
Attacking one's sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him/her:
- Insults and name-calling: “bitch, bastard, wimp, fat, stupid, ugly, slob, lazy…”
- Hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery
- Body language & tone of voice: sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip
3. Defensiveness:
Seeing self as the victim, warding off a perceived attack:
- Making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in
a certain way) “It’s not my fault…”, “I didn’t…”
- Cross-complaining: meeting your partner’s complaint, or criticism with a complaint of
your own, ignoring what your partner said
- Disagreeing and then cross-complaining “That’s not true, you’re the one who …” “I did
this because you did that…”
- Yes-butting: start off agreeing but end up disagreeing
- Repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying
- Whining “It’s not fair.”
4. Stonewalling:
Withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness:
- Stony silence
- Monosyllabic mutterings
- Changing the subject
- Removing yourself physically
- Silent Treatment
Remedies:
- Learn to make specific complaints & requests (when X happened, I felt Y, I want Z)
- Conscious communication: Speaking the unarguable truth & listening generously
- Validate your partner (let your partner know what makes sense to you about what they are saying; let them know you understand what they are feeling, see through their eyes)
- Shift to appreciation (5 times as much positive feeling & interaction as negative)
- Claim responsibility: “What can I learn from this?” & “What can I do about it?”
- Re-write your inner script (replace thoughts of righteous indignation or innocent victimization with thoughts of appreciation, responsibility that are soothing & validating)
- Practice getting undefended (allowing your partner’s utterances to be what they really are: just thoughts and puffs of air) and let go of the stories that you are making up
© Bob & Marlene Neufeld and Mary Ann Carmichael, 2005; www.marleneandbob.com
based on Gottman, John. 1994. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail
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