#1: Cold Turkey - No more complaining!

What is complaining? 

Eckhart Tolle says: 

"Complaining is not to be confused with informing someone of a mistake or deficiency so that it can be put right. And to refrain from complaining doesn't necessarily mean putting up with bad quality or behavior. There is no ego in telling the waiter your soup is cold and needs to be heated up--if you stick to the facts, which are always neutral. 'How dare you serve me cold soup...?' That's complaining."

I don't believe I do much complaining, but I am making this commitment: I am going to commit to giving up complaining, criticizing, gossiping, whining, bitching, moaning (you get the idea) - COLD TURKEY for the coming 7 weeks.

According to Christine Kane, "even if you think you don't do much of this stuff, make this commitment. You might be surprised to find out how many of your everyday conversations begin with a seemingly small complaint." 

Three reasons to do this:

1. Attention is a powerful tool: Energy goes where attention flows. 

2. Complaining is a distraction (time waster, energy stealer): You cannot create a better reality by focusing on your current unhappiness and complaining.

3. Complaining makes your ego stronger because it makes someone or something else wrong - and it makes YOU right. You become inflated and puffed up. Well, actually YOU don't -- but your ego sure does! But only in a very superficial way. Letting go of complaining tells your ego that YOU (or your Wise Self) have decided to run the show, not your ego.

A strategy for dealing with things that trigger complaints: "Containerize" your complaint: acknowledge you are doing it, and set a limit, say 2 minutes, and wrap it up by looking for a solution.

For the 49-day period, starting on ___125/17___ and ending on __3/15/17_____, I, ____Deborah Lorraine______, hereby commit to uplevel my life by giving up the following: complaining, criticizing, gossiping and whining. If I catch myself in the act, I will remind myself that I signed this contract, forgive myself, and remember to breathe and move away from negativity. I will remember the power of my attention, and remind myself “Energy flows where attention goes!” I will then start over from Day One, and begin again! In this way, I creatively build my dreams and attract harmony and success. 

I’m learning to commit...

I've been very down about my weight. I work hard at eating right - healthy and in moderate portions - but like many people, the weight just won't budge. It's more likely for me to see an increase on the scale rather than a loss. Even when I do finally get that scale to move down, the weight can come back in a flash - with extra!  I am a fairly active person; I play tennis 3-5 times a week, and walk, go to the gym, hike, and more. Everyone who knows me tells me I eat healthier than anyone they know. I make dishes with lots of fresh veggies, very little sugar, and primarily whole ingredients. I actually paid a life coach (former trainer) a couple weeks ago, thinking I would walk away with the magic formula to finally make my weight loss happen, as if it would start the moment I walked out of her place. She was very sympathetic, and maybe she actually did hit on something, because she asked me to make up a plan, and she followed up and asked me what is my plan, and she has texted me asking for a date when I will share my plan with her. And it made me sit down and think about it. I opened the computer, and checked email. (Better than Facebook, which can suck me in for hours!) There was a message from Christine Kane, a coach who helps people succeed in business. I don't have a business, but I almost always read her posts and watch her free webinars. They are a quick, easy read, packed with helpful gems for success in life. And who knows, one of these days, I might get a business idea off the ground. Like my writing. But I digress. One line in her message today really jumped out at me: "I’m learning to commit. Today is another day. And with eyes wide open, I begin imperfectly."

I copied that section. And read it again. I was starving. I went to the fridge several times, and finally remembered my protein shake mix that my son rescued from my aggressive purging of the pantry the day before. Perfect! Feeling accomplished already, I sat down at the computer, and decided to start logging my food. Opening MyFitnessPal, I stumbled on a workout plan. Day 1! Perfect timing. And one thing led to another, and next thing I knew, I downloaded a plan to train for a half marathon. In 18 weeks. And guess what is happening 18 weeks from now? A half-marathon right here in town!

Not wanting to lose momentum, I put on my running shorts and shoes, and headed outside, only to realize it was 85 sweltering degrees outside. On November 1. We just don't get many moderate weather days here. It's ridiculously hot from March through October, and bone chilling cold December through February. If we are lucky, we get a 1-2 week Spring and Fall with actual Spring and Fall temperatures that the rest of the country takes for granted. I walked around the driveway, debating whether to wait for a more reasonable temperature later tonight. No, I decided to go for it. It's only a mile. And I'm learning to commit! So off I went. When I came home, I put it on Facebook for all the world to see. I'm committing to running a half marathan in 18 weeks. The support has started pouring in. I sat down and studied the plan. I put it in a spreadsheet, and added up the miles for each week. I realized I misread the first run, and instead of 1/2 mile, I ran a mile. I'm already ahead! In light of my fitness, I realize I can start at week 2, and just repeat it twice.

I signed up for a local 5k that also happens to correspond with my first scheduled 3 mile run. My husband and son signed up with me. I look at those days when I start to do 5 mile runs, then 6, and all the way up to 12, and I wonder if I can do it. I'm sure some days will be harder than others. And I'll just tell myself: I’m learning to commit. Today is another day. And with eyes wide open, I continue imperfectly.


https://christinekane.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/62704/92c35302b2663eb8/45471216/819b3c087eb1758f

Failure is just that thing trying to move you in another direction

Summary of a video clip (link below).

There are no mistakes. We all get flustered and stressed, wanting something to be what it isn’t. Sometimes, we get off track, we get in the wrong marriage, the wrong relationship, take the wrong job, but there are no wrong paths. There’s no such thing as failure really, because failure is just that thing, trying to move you in another direction.

We get as much from our losses, as we do from our victories because the losses are there to wake us up.

The losses are to say, "Fool, that is why you make a change!" When we’re not at ease with ourselves, when we're feeling like oh, oh, — that is the cue that we need to be moving in another direction.

How do we turn around?

Ask yourself this: what is the next right move?

And then from that space make the next right move and the next right move and not to be overwhelmed by it because you know your life is bigger than that one moment. Know you’re not defined by what somebody says is a failure for you because failure is just there to point you in a different direction. And make your next move, one step at a time.

https://youtu.be/dGgb1PwH7mo

Eggscelent eggs: Perfect-Easy-to-Peel Hard Boiled Eggs

It's taken me over 2 years to finally perfect how to make eggscelent hard boiled eggs - that are also easy to peel! I've tried many methods, most that have had good results - perfectly yellow yolk with creamy whites - but always, always, always, they are still hard to peel. I started with fresh eggs; I used old eggs. My personal favorite: pasture-raised, but only because of the humane way the hen is raised:

What about peeling?

I've tried adding vinegar to the water. I tried plunging them into an ice bath immediately after cooking. Recently, I tried shaking the egg in a glass with a little water. Even though that, too, didn't work with my existing boiled eggs, that post lead me to what works. I've finally learned the secret to not only perfectly cooked hard-boiled eggs, but also easy to peel. The secret: a hot start.

Get that water boiling first! Then take the eggs out of the fridge. Since it could be tricky dropping eggs into boiling water, I've found the easiest way to make an egg that is also easy to peel starts with the cooking method, and while any method will work with the "hot start," the easiest is to steam the eggs. Bring the water to a boil, then place the eggs in the basket, and steam away for 11-15 minutes. The time will depend on the size of the egg and the doneness preferred. I prefer 15 minutes. Every site I've read recommends plunging the eggs into cold water immediately after cooking:

I am not sure how important that is. I pull off the steamer part, and run cold water over it, and get them into the fridge after one last important step: Eat one! Check out how easy the peel comes off!

Look how beautiful and creamy it is:

Since discovering this perfect method, I have started cooking them in smaller batches--because I love to eat them warm!

Enjoy!

Enjoying the fat back on my plate, but struggling to get it off my scale!

At my son's encouragement, I looked into whether or not we should be drinking whole milk. I was surprised not only to find the wealth of research on the benefit of fat in our diet, but also to find that it is NOT new information! About the time the "low fat" diet was being touted, other research pointed to sugar as the culprit to weight gain and poor health. Yet, low-fat eating became the norm, and the sugar studies - with the more solid evidence - was ignored. The low-fat diet has been a disaster. We are fatter than ever. How did this happen? "In her painstakingly researched book, The Big Fat Surprise, the journalist Nina Teicholz traces the history of the proposition that saturated fats cause heart disease, and reveals the remarkable extent to which its progress from controversial theory to accepted truth was driven, not by new evidence, but by the influence of a few powerful personalities, one in particular." The Sugar Conspiracy - How did the world’s top nutrition scientists get it so wrong for so long?

In the process of researching this issue, I discovered a "radical" new diet book, "Always Hungry?" by Dr. David Ludwig, who says overeating doesn’t make you fat; the process of getting fat makes you overeat. "The low-fat/high carbohydrate diet we’ve been told to eat for 40 years has raised insulin levels and triggered our fat cells to hoard too many calories, leaving too few for the rest of the body. Recognizing this problem, the brain responds in a logical way – by making us hungry (to get more calories) and slowing down metabolism (to conserve them). But as long as fat cells remain on calorie storage overdrive, the extra calories we eat won’t stay in the blood for long, and will instead fuel the growth of more body fat. Think of insulin as “Miracle-Gro” for fat cells."

Could this explain why, since I climbed on the low-fat bandwagon, I'm now 30 pounds heavier than when I started? If you know me, you have probably been one of many who tell me I am the healthiest eater they know. I rarely eat sweets, my meals always, ALWAYS feature fresh vegetables, and I'm very active, between tennis, biking, gym, and hiking. I bought the book and joined the Dr. Ludwig's Facebook page dedicated to followers of this "new" way of eating. I reveled in the freedom of bringing back whole foods: whole dairy, chicken with skin on it, nuts, and real butter. Although most people on the diet report feeling better than they have in years, and many have lost weight, some of us--me included-- are very frustrated with the lack of progress moving down the numbers on the scale. Dr. Ludwig and his wife counsel people to listen to their body, to learn to eat just enough. Unfortunately, it is tricky to find that tipping point, just what does my body need, without eating too much.

I feel hopeful that someday, they'll discover the secrets as to why some people have lucky metabolisms, and why some of us smell chocolate cake and gain a pound. It's frustrating to watch people eat twice as much as I do, some who wear half the size as me. Obviously, I need less. I'm reminded of a cooking class I took with a friend years ago. The class started at dinner time, so we arrived hungry, prepared to be delighted at a winery chef's creation. She began by making dessert: fresh ice cream. It looked wonderful, but she made only a couple quarts, and there were at least 20 people in the class. I began to worry that we'd have to stop for a "real" dinner afterward. The first appetizer was tiny - barely a bite or two. The next course, a salad, was also very small, but it was topped with a poached egg and a few bits of bacon. I was convinced we'd leave hungry. The main course, a braised rib and polenta, was served on a plate the size of a small saucer. Yet by the time dessert was served - two of the smallest scoops of ice cream I have ever seen - I could barely finish it. I was stunned to realize I certainly don't need as much food as I think I do. Unfortunately, that experience did not recondition my habits in portion sizes. For now, I'll have to rely on portion control to budge the scale. But I'll be doing it with delicious, whole foods...if only a bite or two.

Using Math to Learn How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable about Anything, Yes, Anything!

All of us worry or agonize or fret about something, big or small, every day. But much of the emotional misery we feel is an overreaction, and it can be significantly reduced with a fairly simple method developed by Albert Ellis in his book, "How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable about Anything, Yes, Anything!" I briefly summarize the concept here for the benefit of my family (who no doubt appreciates it beyond imagination); but certainly read the book if this leaves you wanting for more.

Albert Ellis discovered that we make ourselves miserable, and he has the science to back it up. We all have healthy and unhealthy emotions and thoughts. Both are normal, but as colds are normal they are also unhealthy. We have many ways of thinking that are unhealthy, and they almost always prevent us from achieving our goals. How do we go from healthy feelings of sadness, irritation, and concern to unhealthy depression anger, anxiety, rage, or panic? The answer, which is deceptively simple (easy to understand but harder to do!), is illustrated in the "ABCs" of RET (Rational-Emotive Therapy). 

A + B = C

(A) Activating event, which most people erroneously believe is the cause of their anguish; 

(B) is your Belief System which you will learn is the root of your troubles; and 

(C) is the emotional Consequence. 

Assume that As are constant; by simply changing B, your reaction to it, you can change C. 

Easier said than done. Start by examining the beliefs behind your reactions. Behind our Bs that make us miserable is what Ellis calls iB (irrational Belief) - thoughts we use to upset ourselves, what he calls "MUST-erbations." The tyranny of the SHOULDs. Absolute thinking, rigidly believing unconditional shoulds, oughts, and musts. The three most basic "musts" that create emotional disturbance are:

1. How "I" must be: I must perform well and/or win the approval of important people or else I am an inadequate person!

2. How "YOU" must be: You must treat me fairly and considerately, and not unduly frustrate me, or else YOU are a rotten individual!

3. How "THE WORLD" must be: My life conditions must give me the things I want and have to have to keep me from harm or else life is unbearable and I can't be happy at all!

He gives examples of how we create both appropriate and inappropriate feelings when our goals and desires are blocked: "If you are disappointed and sad about a situation (break up, job loss, illness), you will try to discover why, and take positive action....but anger, rage, fury--even over concern, anxiety and panic--interfere with our coping and block our ability to improve the situation. Whenever you feel really miserable - especially panicked, depressed, or enraged--look for your "should," look for your "must," some sort of absolute thinking.  

Another common and important factor that fuels our anger is overgeneralizing and associating a person's action with his being--a person who does something bad is NOT a bad person, and we make ourselves needless angry in the process, and sabotage our own goals. When people are merely frustrated they usually feel annoyed at the frustration. But when they think someone UNFAIRLY frustrated them, they often make themselves angry at the frustrating PERSON. Consequences of anger:

1. Anger stems from your belief that a person's action is the same thing as the person himself. Just as you evaluate his act as negative you respond to his whole being as "bad." Your iB results in your damning a whole person who will most probably in turn respond in a defensive manner in order to protect his own self-image. So long as you are angry, your openness vanishes, and your anger will inhibit a speedy and effective resolution of your problem.

2. Anger, a rather strong emotion, tends to overlap or extend into other areas of your life. Many people, when angry, feel hostile to others who have done slightly "wrong" things. This often creates unnecessary social tension and a counterproductive atmosphere.

3. Your depression and anxiety that may result from increased tensions stemming from anger reduce your effective performance in the various aspects of your life.

4. Points 2 and 3 may lead to the creation of negative responses from other people that may in turn cause you to feel highly critical of yourself. In many instances, this encourages self-downing, and intensifies your anxiety.

5. Anger compounded with a combination of its above-mentioned side effects can create difficult tensions both within yourself and in your relationships with others. These may result in such complications that you have difficulty realizing that your original anger leads to other bad situations. Hence, any resolution of the original problem will still fail to resolve the new difficulties that anger encourages.

By not making yourself feel angry, you leave open the possibility of reestablishing a good relation with the person who did the "wrong" thing, for you still acknowledge his good qualities; when you respect him as a person in spite of his behavior, you tend to respect yourself as a person in spite of your ineffective anger. 

(This last part comes from an updated book by Ellis, "Anger: How to Live With and Without It.")

Choices

We have choices and control over our responses to every situation...The intermediate thought process we carry on between A and C is an evaluation in which we make a decision that will determine our response. The more aware we make ourselves of this intermediate phase, the better chance we have of making a choice that makes us likely to achieve our goals. Through such choices we minimize the possibility of interfering with our progress by impulsive behavior.

HEALTHY: Your strong feelings of sadness, irritation, and concern are considered to be HEALTHY, because they help you to express your displeasure at undesirable happenings and to work at modifying them.
HARMFUL: Your feelings of depression, anger, and anxiety are almost always HARMFUL, because they stem from your unrealistic commands that unpleasant events absolutely must not exist, and those feelings are unhealthy because they usually interfere with your changing these events. 

RET is a dramatic shift in practice and philosophy from what we learned growing up, but a healthy one, and similar to what I've been exploring some time, in The Work of Byron Katie, and Marshall Rosenberg's Non Violent Communication. More recently, I have been reading John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (nice summary here). The most important part of Gottman's work in my opinion is to be aware of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as he calls them: Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling. These have no place in any relationship - including yourself! 

Good stuff!

John Gottman’s FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE

The presence of any of the FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling, are poison to any relationship. John Gottman identifies them in couple's conversation to predict with over 90% accuracy whether a couple will divorce.

1. Criticism:

Attacking one's personality or character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong:
Generalizations: “you always…” “you never…”“you’re the type of person who …” “why
are you so …”

2. Contempt:

Attacking one's sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him/her:
- Insults and name-calling: “bitch, bastard, wimp, fat, stupid, ugly, slob, lazy…”
- Hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery
- Body language & tone of voice: sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip

3. Defensiveness:

Seeing self as the victim, warding off a perceived attack:
- Making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in
a certain way) “It’s not my fault…”, “I didn’t…”
- Cross-complaining: meeting your partner’s complaint, or criticism with a complaint of
your own, ignoring what your partner said
- Disagreeing and then cross-complaining “That’s not true, you’re the one who …” “I did
this because you did that…”
- Yes-butting: start off agreeing but end up disagreeing
- Repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying
- Whining “It’s not fair.”

4. Stonewalling:

Withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness:
- Stony silence
- Monosyllabic mutterings
- Changing the subject
- Removing yourself physically
- Silent Treatment

Remedies:
- Learn to make specific complaints & requests (when X happened, I felt Y, I want Z)
- Conscious communication: Speaking the unarguable truth & listening generously
- Validate your partner (let your partner know what makes sense to you about what they are saying; let them know you understand what they are feeling, see through their eyes)
- Shift to appreciation (5 times as much positive feeling & interaction as negative)
- Claim responsibility: “What can I learn from this?” & “What can I do about it?”
- Re-write your inner script (replace thoughts of righteous indignation or innocent victimization with thoughts of appreciation, responsibility that are soothing & validating)
- Practice getting undefended (allowing your partner’s utterances to be what they really are: just thoughts and puffs of air) and let go of the stories that you are making up


© Bob & Marlene Neufeld and Mary Ann Carmichael, 2005; www.marleneandbob.com
based on Gottman, John. 1994. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail